I find myself caught in situations where the person is asking me a question, but he or she, already knows the answer they want to receive.
Well not relay….it happens to me to! 😉
Allow me to elaborate!
You ask a question. If, when the answer given, is different than the one you expect, your brain gets on this search path and refuses to except anything else, but what is already programmed to receive in the moment you asked that question.
In other words, when you ask a question, you know the answer you want to hear. You are not open to the possibility that it could be a different answer.
The moment the answer is not the one you want to hear, a whole chain of reactions starts happening inside your brain, different connections are made desperately trying to figure out the reason why you did not receive the answer you expected!
Once you reached that moment, you demand an expiration that leads to more questions from your part:
“What do you mean?” Or “I don’t understand where you’re coming from!” Or “I didn’t see that coming” or “I don’t think you understand my question” or “I need more facts or explanations why you answered the way you did”. Some will even say “I did not expect that answer”
And why not may I ask?
From my experience, in most situations, is when the answer your getting, is not of any advantage to you! Meaning, if you ask me. “Can I come over to see you” and the answer your getting is “Not today”, you are already disappointed because you are bored, you already made a plan in your head to hang out with me and the outcome is not the way you want, the way you envisioned it.
You clearly wanted to see me, and you wanted the answer to be “Yes, come on over” because you expected that answer! It has to do with the hidden intention behind the question!
Your intention was to come see me, and that’s perfectly fine, but if I refused to comply, your brain is not willing to accept that possibility. So, you’ll ask another question trying to understand the reason behind the answer to your first question.
That’s how arguments typically start. When a person is not taking in consideration that there is a possibility of getting an answer different than the one they are looking for.
Then why ask the question in the first place?
It’s OK to ask, but if your objective is to hear what you want to hear, and not what the other person has to say, then there is no point to ask.
Why are some people saying, “It’s not even worth to ask”? Because they know they will not get the answer they want! So, they don’t even try! This means they are not willing to deal with the possibility of not happening it their way, or, they already know the answer will not be in their favor.
Here is a tip: The answer will always be NO until you ask! And if the answer is still NO after you ask…. oh well! Ce la vie! 🙂
This is what I think!
Have an open mind and intention when you ask a question. Accept the possibility that you will not get it your way. Because it can happen!
Stop expecting something from someone and especially, stop thinking that the other person must comply to your wish! He or she is not a genie! Your wish is not their command!
Just because you want something to happen your way, does not mean that it will.
You can’t control them, but you can control yourself!
Be open to the possibility. By this I mean be completely conscious that the answer to your question could go either way. Be ready to accept that fully instead of trying to understand WHY?
Make peace to that almost instantaneously. Stop wasting your energy demanding explanation! There is no explanation to be given, in most of the situations, unless that person is willing to give you one without you asking!
Some situations, like legal ones, I agree, you need to obey and explain yourself to the judge or the police officer or to your wife or husband all the way, or if you are in the principal’s office, or if your mother ask you where is the chocolate bar from the fridge knowing that it’s long gone in your tummy! Or if your roommate asks you where is that last beer he or she left in the fridge! That is just being a good friend. (You get my point)
Here is how you should react to a similar question like the one above.
“OK, no problem if I can’t see you, maybe next time”
See how much easier this is?
You’ve saved yourself, and the other person, from a possible argument just because you are to stubborn and you want to have it your way.
This means you are letting go of your fear of rejection. Taking control of your own emotions and accepting the unknown outcome of the situation on hand.
Taking responsibility for that moment. It’s not your fault that you asked that question, and it’s not my fault that I gave you that answer. It’s the way you choose to perceive it based on a wish you had.
If you admit that the other person has all the right to give you whatever answer they want, because after all, you asked a question, you didn’t make a statement, than you save both of you from a possible disaster!
You gave them the possibility to decide based on that question. Then why not accepting the answer! Good or bad, in your advantage or not, it’s the way they chose to respond.
Have a backup plan!
So, by having a little talk to your inner self, “Hey, you, deep down in there, she said we can’t go over to see her. You want to watch a movie, or read a book, or go out for a walk, or have a glass of wine, or a beer instead of wasting time and energy thinking and asking her why she refused?” you regain control of the situation on your end.
You will feel much better when you have the strings of your own life.
After all, you SHOULD have those strings! You and only you can pull them in the right direction!