Hold on to your pants and skirts ladies and gentlemen because I’m about to come in strong!
Remember when you were a kid and you did something considered bad by an adult’s standard? Sure, you do! We all do 🙂
Remember what was the most common answer given by you?
I do! “It’s not my fault!”
Funny how that answer carries out all the way through our adulthood! It gets planted in our conscious mind at that early age, but it doesn’t stop there! It gets embedded in our unconscious mind with time and that’s when things get bad.
For example: You play with a group of friends, intentionally or unintentionally you hurt one of them (I see this happening with my girls almost every day) When asked why or how it happened, knowing from previous experiences that you will get in trouble, you say things like “it’s not my fault” or “he started it” or you make up an excuse to clear yourself from any potential blame, therefore developing a defense mechanism.
Well first…. What is the Conscious Mind?
Sigmund Freud said in his psychoanalytic theory of personality that the Conscious Mind, or tip of the iceberg how he called it, consists of everything in our current awareness. By this I mean, feelings, perceptions, memories, sensations everything we feel at this moment.
OK…. What is the unconscious mind?
Otherwise known as subconscious, again like Freud puts it, is the iceberg beneath the surface and the home of things we are not consciously aware of! Unpleasant feelings like anxiety, anger, pain, feelings we don’t know we are capable of until they come forth in our conscious mind but continue to influence our behavior.
Did you ever caught yourself saying something out of rage or frustration or fear and a second later you stood there in disbelief, how were you even capable of such a thing and want to take it back? That was the unconscious saying “Hi! I’m still here you know?!”
Don’t understand me wrong! When it’s NOT your fault that a bomb exploded in the town next to you, it’s not! You can’t say it is! But when it’s NOT your fault for being late to work 3 days in the row, it is!
That’s the fault I’m talking about! It’s assuming the responsibility for why you were late to work, or to dinner, or to pick up your kids from school, or because you forgot to pay the bill and your late on your mortgage, again! Or my personal favorite, when someone gets offended and is the other person’s fault!
That’s the fault I’m referring at!
In those moments, your unconscious mind will spill “it’s not my fault” over to your conscious mind to protect YOU! The only problem?! It’s not doing your SELF a favor. It protects the EGO that is inside you! Will talk about the EGO in more details in another article, but just so you have an idea, THE EGO is the false YOU. It’s a very complex part of our personality, of our own creation responsible for creating emotional drama in our life.
All this thing have YOU in common don’t they?! So why not blaming yourself for them?!
It’s MY fault that I was late for work because…
It’s MY fault I was late for dinner because…
It’s MY fault I was late to pick up the kids from school because…
It’s MY fault I was late on the mortgage payment because…
It’s MY fault I don’t have money to pay the mortgage because….
It’s MY fault I got offended because….
It’s MY fault that our relationship doesn’t work because….
It’s MY fault it’s MY fault it’s MY FAULT!
Don’t think that I’m not fighting with this also! I do! Every day, in different situations or different relationships! With my kids, with my husband, with my mom, with a friend, it can be anybody or anything! I’m constantly in a battle!
How do you change this?
Meaning, how do you retrain your unconscious mind, so it IS your fault?!
Now your defense mechanism, or the EGO will kick in saying “Are you crazy?! You want me to reprogram my unconscious to think that it’s always my fault?!”
Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying! And here is why?
Once you make that statement in a situation, a feeling of control will take over. Control over your emotions, over the taught you have, the words coming out of your mouth, over yourself and ultimately over that situation! Your free! No outside factor can intervene because you have absolute power over you.
You need to make the unconscious your ally, your friend, observe it, study it, accept is as is, part of you. In the same time, you take the power from the other person! Admitting and assuming the responsibility, will leave them powerless to continue the accusation.
Now how you do that? How you cross from a lifetime of blaming everything and everybody to blaming yourself?
Well first, the unconscious mind does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined, and it’s the master of 90% of your brain. The other 10% of course belong to your conscious mind.
Think of it as it’s a child. Kids have great imagination, right? They pretend, they believe they can do anything and be anywhere they want even though they are in a tent made of a bed sheets in the middle of your living room! To you, it’s a tent made from a bed sheet! To them, it’s an Indian tent in the safari desert surrounded by headless horseman!
So… instead of stopping the “child” from playing and saying something like “That’s not an Indian tent and you are in my living room not in the safari desert”, join it!
To be more to the point, believe you are the greatest there is!
To start, take out completely negative comments about yourself! All those little bad comments you tell yourself when you look in the mirror, cut them out! All the things you hear about yourself from other sources that are no good, let them run through you like a gush of wind that’s never returning!
I am challenging you to a little experiment!
Next time you get accused of something, whatever it is, let’s say you forgot to buy bread on your way home and your significant other starts accusing you of always forgetting and never paying attention to anything that she or he is telling you to do, Instead of finding an excuse to fight back, let them finish and start by saying “It was my fault, I simply forgot, I will go back out and get it”.
Believe in your SELF! Regain the power by observing the EGO taking over you and assume the responsibility of your actions!